Since the day I was born, I had no one. No love. No one to laugh with. To tell all my secrets to or someone to talk to when I had a AWESOME DAY.
I was born to a drug addict. Not just one, but two. My food money went to $@!#%. I was born addicted. No one to care for me. Foster homes, court, jumping from home to home. Never staying at one school a entire year. It was hard. Traumatizing.
Now I'm a mom to two beautiful babies. All I want is to give them the best life. The life I always dreamed of. But once again, its like im back in my month old times. No one. Lost. Stuck. A single mom. The father turned into a monster. I couldn't have anything to do with it. Definitely didn't want ny children growing up in the same atmosphere as I did.
But now, after changing who I was as a mother. Thinking I was doing the best. Its like its the opposite. Bad luck has been throwing my hard balls…everytime I reach the top of this steep, rocky, snowy mountain….its like the wind comes my direction at the wrong time, and down i go……back to sub zero. From my car needing a new front suspension and rear end…to my front tires needing to be replaced every week….to losing my job because child care is ridiculous, funny how you can't work unless you gave a babysitter, but yet you can't have sitter if you can't afford to pay……i can't E V E R catch a breathe of fresh air. I haven't paid my phone bill…can't afford it. Payment arrangements with my landlord is embarrassing enough. I dont eveb qualify for government assistance. W H A T?? I DONT GET IT. I'm struggling. I hate to admit it, but I am. This life, hard, tired, stressful life im living is a day at the park in my littles eyes. Their smiles, giggles, big bright blue and green eyes remind me everything will be alright.
I'm only 25. Technically, my life is just starting just like theirs🧡im armed and ready.
I'm not a religious person but I believe God will only give you what you can handle. Your early on life has prepared you for today. And you can only live for that…Today! Even in the worse of times Keep your head up looking for the positive. Your children need to see you persevere in hard times. You are strong and are shaping the next generation.
Wow, @Randee L. you should wirte a book. It sounds to me like you are a loving wonderful mother to those two babies and nothing is more important than that.
Keep trying, check for help here: auntbertha.com
Godspeed.
I was in relationship with a drug addict. I thought love was enough to save him but it wasn't. We went through rehabs only so he can get out and go back to $@!#%, not to mention co-dependence ….. The only way to save one is to let them be themselves and accept their choices regardless of how much they hurt. Love is unconditional…and it comes with forgiveness
What I'm coming to finally realize, is that in the end who I truly have is myself and my babies. Going through severe anxiety and horrible dark depression is hard when you're truly the only adult being a mother to not only my actual children but to the father as well. Cleaning and doing laundry all day. It's as if I only just wasted my time. I'm not a fan of dirt in my bed or on my floors, or dirty dishes on my bathroom sink and living room floor, or my favorite DIRTY DIAPERS, LEFT WHERE THE BABY WAS CHANGED. The amount of lazy that comes and the audacity to throw something dumb that's so irrelevant in my face that doesn't even make sense is so tiring. My life was getting better. But now it's like I'm not only giving up for good, it's my own life too. I'm not selfish. I can't be selfish. I have 4 eyes that look up at me. That's cry for me when they think I'm leaving or when I walk by…. My life is in a grave. I cut off all my girl friends. My family. My social life I focus on my kids but when you have an grown person up your butt crying and asking you EVERY SECOND OF THR DAY "Why do you hate me?" "Why don't you love me anymore" "What did I do that ruined you" ….. And to be honest, the time we loved and shared, well as a one way street, seems as if it has finally came to it's dead end. Man…………
